Would Not Come
by Za Metallium
Summary: "...still it would not come..." - from "Would Not Come" by Alanis Morisette; depressing songfic.


Would Not Come

**Would Not Come**   
by [Za Metallium][1], Trickster Priestess 

Alanis Morissette's song "Would Not Come" is on her album _Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie_. Song lyrics are centered.   
Consider this an alternate universe piece, where Lina has run out of flowers whose names she does not know...   


  


If I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to

It was a quiet day, filled with nothing more than eating, sleeping, and reflecting on life. 

Lina hated it. 

Eating was fine, she always enjoyed good food; sleeping was no problem, either, unless she had nightmares; it was reflecting on life that bothered Lina. 

It seemed no matter how hard she tried, when there wasn't something else to occupy her—like, say, a quest, or at least some bandits to beat up—Lina could not keep from thinking about things she'd rather not. 

It was particularly bad at the moment. It was the middle of the night, and Lina's turn to take the watch. That meant it was just her, the soft noises of the forest, and the all-too-loud sound of her own thoughts. 

She stared at the bloodred stone on her wrist, watching it sparkle in the firelight. And in the stone, she seemed to see things... 

If I am hardened no fear of further abadonment

A very young Lina had lain on her bed. Her parents were gone. Again. She hadn't been quite sure where they were, but she hadn't figured it mattered. She'd decided: no more crying her eyes out because she was alone, no more shivering, alone, wishing her sister wasn't so distant, wishing her parents cared enough to kiss her goodnight. 

Nobody wanted her? Fine. Then she didn't want anybody else, either. She'd take care of herself. 

It hadn't quite worked that way, of course, but Lina still tried not to need anyone. The problem was, she failed; she still needed people....some, or rather, one, more than others. 

If I am famous the maybe I'll feel good in this skin

When Lina had just begin learning powerful magic, she'd had a lovely picture in her mind: one day she'd be the most powerful sorceress in the world. Then she wouldn't need anyone else! 

Except she did...one in partcicular. No, she wouldn't think of _him_ right now. 

If I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect

"The focal point of the spell must be positioned properly or power will be lost," a twelve-year-old Lina had told Zefilia's local inept mage importantly. 

The mage had smiled condecendingly, patted her head, and walked away. 

Teenaged Lina hadn't understood it. She'd used the proper terms, she'd sounded like an adult, so why had he just dismissed her like that...? 

_I would throw a party still it would not come_

On occasion, she would attend parties. The ones she most enjoyed consisted only of her and her intimate friends, just them and food and fun. 

Yet there was always _something_ missing, just like it was missing from every other aspect of her life. Banquets and booze didn't change that. 

_I would bike run swim and still it would not come_

She was fit, had been most of her life. Usually she didn't "formally" exercize, as her lifestyle provided plenty of physical activity. 

So she was slim. So what? As Gourry took great pains to point out, she didn't have much of a figure. She had a child's body. Did _he_ mind?...stop it! She wouldn't go there. Again. 

_I'd go travelling and still it would not come_

Many, many times during her earlier years in Zefilia, Lina had thought, "I'll get away from this stupid town, these annoying people, the familiy who doesn't give a damn about me. I'll see the world, see things these people couldn't even dream of. Then I'll be happier than all of them." 

Now, Lina travelled all the time. She was still waiting for that happiness to come. 

_I would starve myself and still it would not come_

Soon after escaping Naga's company, Lina stopped eating. Not because she'd felt she needed to loose weight, exactly. More like it was something new to try. Eating lots of food hadn't filled the void, but perhaps eating nothing might... 

It hadn't. 

If I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously

There were times she regretted not indulging her more feminine urges. She guessed Zel knew, after her little slip before they'd fought Shaburanigdu: she'd mentioned her sometimes-desire to be a girl for a change...just a girl, and not the genius sorceress. 

Girls, as a rule, weren't thought of as much more than pretty things meant for cooking and cleaning for a man. Therefore, had Lina been feminine, she would've been regarded the same way. 

Thus, Lina had a decidedly un-ladylike policy, a policy she sometimes regretted. Sometimes. 

If I take a break it would make me irresponsble

She knew most people thought she was irresponsible. That didn't bother her much. She knew the truth. When it came to magic, she took great pains to be responsible. If she didn't, she would've saved herself a lot of trouble and just Giga Slaved all her problems away. Being the only one—as far as she knew—who could use Nightmare magicks with relative ease, Lina took the corresponding responsibility very seriously. 

If I'm elusive I will surely be sought after often

Dammit. She was thinking of him yet again. If she was more open with her feelings, would she have a better chance? 

Probably not. Anyway, wasn't playing 'hard to get' supposed to be more effective? 

If I need assistance then I must be incapable

Independant. She was independant and always would be. She could take care of herself. She didn't need anyone's protection. Not Gourry's, not _his_, not anyone's. 

Nope, she didn't need anyone's assistance. 

No, not her. Not Lina Inverse, sorcery genius. 

Really. 

_I'd be filthy rich and still it would not come_

On a regular basis, Lina saw—and often took—more money than an average person could gain saving for his entire life. 

She'd head it said that "money can't buy happiness." Once, she'd thought it was nonsense. Now, she knew it to be L-sama's own truth. 

_I would seduce them and still it would not come_

There were many who could be seduced with the promise of power. Hold the promise of, say, the Dragu Slave before them, and they'd bend over backwards for you. 

She'd taken advantage of this fact from time to time to get favours and such, always having in the back of her mind the idea that it would make her feel important. 

It didn't. 

_I would drink vodka and and still it would not come_

Lina dug through her bag and extricated a small bottle of spirits. Once her watch was over, she planned to get rip-roaring drunk. That would get rid of these stupid thoughts that were plaging her. 

Once, for several months, she had taken it upon herself to get plastered every day. She gave it up after deciding the only thing it was gaining her was hangovers, not happiness. 

_I'd have an orgasm still it wouldn't come_

Lina cursed aloud quietly as her thoughts, as always, returned to _him._ She toyed with the idea of sneaking off for a little while, to indulge in her one truly guilty pleasure. Her watch duty aside, it wasn't a good idea. She'd best wait till they stayed at an inn again, where she could lock the door and picture him and for a few blissful moments, pretend. 

If I accumulate knowledge I'll be inpenetrable

The Giga Slave. The Laguna Blade. Spells many didn't know existed. Lina knew them, knew them intimately, cast them more often than was probably healthy. 

Still, there were more spells like those out there, somewhere. Lina would find them eventually. One of these days, she'd know so much that no one could get to her again. 

Right? 

If I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve

There were different ways of being aloof. One, the more obvious one, was to simply stay away from people physically. The way she used, however, was to appear to be carefree all the time. Even when she really wanted to weep. 

If I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked

She got afraid sometimes, just as afriad as the others. She refused to show it, however; why worry the others? They didn't need to know about her own fears and folibles. 

If I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon

Dear gods, how she wanted a hug. Someone (preferably _him_, of course) to comfort her, to tell her it would get better, that she wasn't really alone and that she'd be happy soon. 

But that would make her seem vulnerable. If you were vulnerable, you got taken advantage of, got used and tossed away and scarred. 

It wasn't like a hug was all that important. 

Maybe if she kept telling herself that, she'd believe it. 

I would go shopping and still it wouldn't come

Lina started digging through her pack again, looking for some sort of distraction. Baubles, magical items, junk, all mixed together. None of these things had brought her peace... 

Finally deciding on food, Lina took out a bag of jerky and started chewing absently. 

I'd leave the country and still it would not come

Extensive travelling had led Lina to the conclusion that one place was pretty much just like another. The details may be different, but the people tended to be pretty much the same. Same narrow minds and fearful glances and...she sighed. 

I would scream and rebel still it would not come

Lina pretty much laughed in the face of convention. She did what she wanted, and to hell with what she was "supposed to" do. 

At first, it did give her a sort of satisfaction. Now, she did it more from habit, and not because shocking others gave her any sort of satisfaction. 

There was very little that gave her satisfaction nowadays. 

I would stuff my face and still it would not come

Lina swallowed the last piece of jerky. She sighed. Not much of a distraction. It was so strange, the way she could gorge herself yet still feel empty... 

I'd be productive and still it would not come   
I'd be celebrated still it would not come

In some all-too-rare instances, people did recognise the things Lina did for them. Sometimes she'd even get a warm feeling from their gratitude. It was like the warmth of a candle, actually, pleasant, but only slightly warming, and decidedly brief. 

I'd be the hero and still it would not come

She'd saved (well, or helped save) the world several times over, yet still she heard the whispers behind her back about "Lina Inverse, enemy of all that live." 

Why did she even bother anymore? 

I'd renunciate and still it would not come

She'd considered, more than once, giving up being Lina Inverse, Sorceress Supreme. She'd dismissed the idea each time, because giving up her name and even her identity couldn't change the simple fact that it _would not come_.   
  


–end–

   [1]: mailto:ZaMetallium@aol.com



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